Torchwood: The Musical
by RoseCake31
Summary: Look at the title, genius. Pretty damn cracky. Should be funny, though.
1. Scene One

**A/N: Behold! Scene one of the fabulous musical extravaganza I like to call "Torchwood: The Musical"!**

Songs (in order of performance):

"Fool at Love"…………………………Gwen

"The Doctor I Want"…………………..Tosh and Owen

"The Coffee Song"…………………….Ianto

**Scene one**

_Gwen lies in bed beside Rhys. She sits up and smiles at him tenderly, gently running a hand through his hair. Rhys snores._

Gwen: **He lies there sleeping on so soundly**

**I just can't help but give a smile**

**The way my life's been heading as of lately**

**The way he acts just makes me so beguiled **

_Rhys grunts in his sleep and rolls over, away from her. Gwen's face falls, and she gets out of bed with a sigh._

Gwen: **Sort of…**

S_he bustles around the apartment, fixing herself breakfast and getting dressed._

Gwen: **I wake up**

**And go to work**

**I don't get home till morning**

**He doesn't know**

**The things I do to keep**

**Him adoring me**

**Rhys my love why can't you see**

**The secrets keeping hold of me**

**You think I'm just too damn lazy**

**To be on time**

**But if you knew the truth**

**You wouldn't let me do**

**The things I have to do**

_By this time Gwen has danced into the bedroom. She leans down beside Rhys, who's still asleep, and whispers in his ear._

Gwen: I catch aliens!

Rhys: Wuzzat love?

_Gwen straightens up, surprised to see that he's actually awake._

Gwen: Nothing, darling. Go back to bed. I'm off to work.

Rhys: (groans) Already? Can't you leave a bit later?

Gwen: (sighs) I'm sorry, I can't.

Rhys: (Slightly angry but still groggy) Well, try to get home early, alright? I never see you anymore!

Gwen: (bends down and plants a kiss on his forehead) I'll make sure I'm home before seven! Love you!

_Gwen runs out the door. Rhys sits up on the pillows and calls after her._

Rhys: I love you too, Gwen!

_Cut to Gwen walking down the street._

Gwen: **I can fight a full-grown Weevil**

**Saved the Earth much more than once**

**So why am I so primivel**

**When it comes to love?**

**I can barely say "I love you"**

**To the man I clearly love**

**How can I ever say "I do"**

**If I don't have any guts? **

**Fight the shifting sands of time**

**Until I can't fight anymore**

**Eventually I'll have to face it**

**I'm a fool at love!**

**I'm braver than most full-grown men**

**But that's just when **

**It comes to cybermen**

**In real life **

**I've got less balls**

**Than Myfanwy (she's the pterodactyl)**

**I can barely say I love you**

**To the man I clearly love**

**How can I ever say I do**

**If I don't have any guts?**

**Fight the shifting sands of time**

**Until I can't fight anymore**

**Eventually I'll have to face it**

**I'm a fool at love!**

**Yes I'm a fool at love!**

**Oh I'm**

**Just a fool**

**At**

**Love!**

_As the song finishes, the door to the hub open and Gwen steps inside. The others look up, mumble hello, and turn back to their work._

Gwen: Good morning, Tosh!

Tosh: (glumly) Hi.

Gwen: Hi, Owen!

Owen: (elbow deep in alien corpse) 'mornin.

Gwen: (Angry) Why are you two so taciturn this morning? You're giving me a stomach ache!

Owen: Well, why are you so up?

**I woke up three hours early**

**And couldn't get back to sleep**

**I knew in my gut**

**That this day would suck**

Tosh: **You think you have it bad**

**Well I'll tell you something sad**

**I was up all night**

**Couldn't sleep 'cause I**

**Gotta bad case of love**

**And the doctor I want **

**Won't make house calls for me**

Owen: **What doctor is that?**

Ianto: (whispering to Jack) **He's a stupid twat!**

Tosh: **He's a doctor **

**that sat on the chair **

**that your sitting on.**

Owen: You've lost me, Tosh.

Tosh (to herself, silently, sadly) I don't ever want to lose you again.

Owen: What was that?

Tosh: **That was nothing**

**Didn't say a word**

**At least**

**Nothing that you heard**

**Quiet as a mouse**

**Alone in my little house**

**No Mr. Mouse to keep me company**

**No Mickey to my Minnie**

Owen: (confused and kinda freaked out) okay then… whatever…

_Owen walks out of the room._

Tosh: (sighs)

Gwen: Don't worry, Tosh. I'm sure he'll notice you soon.

Ianto: Yeah, as soon as he pulls his head out of his- (notices everyone staring, and Tosh looking distressed) Sorry. Nevermind.

Jack: C'mon, people. Let's get back to work. Gwen, I want you to fill out the report on those Weevils we caught two nights ago. Tosh, work on decoding the seal on the artifact we recovered last night. Owen's busy with his corpse, so I don't have to tell him to do anything. Ianto… make me a cup of coffee.

Everyone: yes, Sir.

_Ianto walks into the coffee room. His walk slowly turns into a tap dance._

Ianto: (quietly) **Skip-iddy-do dap, iskpy-iddy-hippidy hop!** **Skip-iddy-do dap, iskpy-iddy-hippidy hop!**

**Americano**

**Cappuchino**

**Black espresso**

**Double shot please**

**Café au lait**

**Frappuchino**

**Extra foam**

**On my latte**

**Extra**

**Extra foam**

**Gimme a mocha**

**Please**

**With a little bit of cream**

**Coffee**

**Coffee is my soul**

**Coffee**

**Is good when it's hot**

**And good when it's cold**

**It pumps you up**

**When you're falling down**

**Keeps you up all night**

**Gimme a decaf**

**No instant**

**Never an instant **

**Coffee**

**The bean of life**

**Coffee**

**Coffee makes me bright**

**It keeps me up**

**And keeps me light**

**It's what I love **

**Yes it's my life**

**Coffee**

**Coffee**

**Coffee**

**Coffee makes me whole!**

_Jack has walked in halfway through the song and is staring at Ianto bemusedly. As the song ends, he begins to applaud._

Jack: Bravo! Bravo! Encore!

Ianto: (startled and emmbarased) Oh… erm… hello, Sir. I'll have your coffee in a moment.

Jack: Don't bother. We've got rift activity. Grab a stun gun, we're leaving now.

Ianto: Now?

_**End scene one.**_


	2. Scene Two

Songs: (in order of appearence)

"Teaboy"...Ianto, Jack, Gwen, Tosh, Owen, Weevils #1, #2, and #3

_**Scene two**_

The team is in a warehouse, fighting Weevils.

Jack: **Tosh**

**Pass me a grenade**

**Gwen**

**Do you have my back?**

**Owen**

**Careful with that gun**

**we still don't know**

**Where it came from**

**Tosh **

**Help me with this thing**

**Gwen**

**Kick it in the back**

**Owen**

**Tosh could use your help**

**There's a big cut on her arm**

**And it's bleeding fast**

Gwen:** Not a problem captain!**

Awful glad that I can help

Tosh: **press this button captain!**

**And it's just a scratch-but ow**

Owen: **Got it covered captain!**

**Tosh'll be good in a tick**

Ianto: **How can I be of service**

**Sir?**

**Could I get you**

**a weapon**

**I'll make it quick**

Jack: **That's okay Ianto**

**We don't really**

**Need your help**

Ianto: **Then Gwen**

**I'll assist you**

**Keep you cool**

**While you kick ass**

Gwen: **Thanks but no Ianto**

**I can do it well**

**Alone**

Ianto: **Need a hand Tosh?**

**I can work some **

**Of the tech**

Tosh: **Don't worry bout it Ianto**

**I have it under**

**Control**

Ianto: **Owen please**

**I need to help**

**Let me help**

**Let me help**

**Let me help!**

Owen: **Teaboy…**

Ianto: **yes?**

Owen: **get me a coffee!**

Ianto: **Now?**

Owen: **I need a coffee!**

Ianto: **What?**

Owen: **I NEED A COFFEE!**

Ianto: **Oh.**

Everyone: **Get me a coffee, teaboy!**

Ianto: **Is that all **

**That I'm good for?**

Everyone: **Get me a coffee, teaboy!**

Ianto: **Is that **

**My only**

**Talent?**

Everybody: **get me a coffee, teaboy!**

Ianto: **Why does**

**No one see?**

_As everyone is singing, Weevils sneak up behind them and knock out first Tosh, then Owen, then Gwen, then Jack. They begin to close in on Ianto, who pulls out a stun gun._

Weevil #1: **get…**

Weevil #2: **me…**

Weevil #3: **A…**

Weevil #4: **Coffee…**

_Ianto zaps all off them, and they leap into the air._

All Weevils: **TEABOY!**

_They fall to the ground in a heap. Jack groans and wakes up._

Jack: ow… hey! They're out cold!

Ianto: Yes, Sir, I-

Jack: I wonder what happened?

Ianto: I-

Jack: Maybe it was a time paradox!

Ianto: Sir-

_Gwen wakes up along with the others._

Gwen: I wonder what could have done it?

Ianto: It was-

Owen: It could have been a tractor beam from a rival species!

Ianto: It was all-

Tosh: We're looking at this wrong. I'm sure it was a Rift fluctuation!

Ianto: (angry) HELLO!

Jack: (startled) what is it, Ianto?

Ianto: It was me! I knocked out the Weevils! I did something useful! Wow! Aren't you all so shocked! ME! Ianto Jones! I actually did something to help the team! ME! Wow! Aren't you impressed?

Jack: (taken aback) Um… great job, Ianto?

Ianto: Thank you!

_He stomps back to the car, with the others following, all looking puzzeled._

_**End scene two**_


End file.
